Susan, I hope you've realized that you are Love. You are Love itself. Life is just full of surprises, huh? You get born into one family. I get born into another. We grow up in different definitions of dysfunction, yours was more blatant than mine I think. You dealt with the violence, the sexual violations and the parents who you loved, because we do, don't we? I loved mine, too, and boy did their secrets hurt us. Still recovering at 65. That's okay, because recovery is uncovery and leads to discovery. Love is everywhere if we listen for it. I've become a believer. But I have to slow down and get still. Very still. That always helps when I get derailed. And then of course, there's Grace. She's always listening, even when I forget she's there. xo
I love that. Grace, that mystery defying common sense one day at a time. I do know that I am love. Mostly I feel that as a quiet joy. That’s my quality. I experience you as love. There you go. Words. Different words for the same thing. You are that and so am I.
Not sure there is one, or if there is... one leads directly into the others. Or perhaps they are flavors of the same thing. Like chocolate and vanilla are both ice cream.
I'm in my late 80's, and I feel that I am living with Death beside me, like a nice, quiet presence. I don't think about it much or worry about it much. I do have physical pain, and that bothers me more than anything, but I am glad to be here, nevertheless. Sometimes I think of Death as a door with endless light and joy on the other side. That's enough comfort for me...even though it might be just a belief or maybe there is no such thing. But I am convinced there IS, and I am quietly comforted by the thought.
Beautiful. I also think there is something on the other side. Why not joy? I died and was reborn many times in this life, and it alwasy led to more joy. I think of Death as a friend. I love the image of it as a door. Congrats on making it this far. That’s a lot. I also think about birth in this context, too. It’s not easy being born either. Perhaps both are doorways. I salute your quiet comfort, and I’m pleased to make your aquaintance.
Such a gorgeous account of how it really goes on the spiritual path. How well you capture the ferocity of longing and the battle with self-loathing (true ego) and the final break into presence . This was such a compelling read. As for my experience with longing, I wrote about it in my spiritual memoir, This Incredible Longing: Finding My Self in a Near-Cult Experience published by Heliotrope in Feb.
Great! Your memoir sounds really good. Longing can rip you up from the inside. It saved my life and almost killed me. You could make the case that most spiritual communities are near-cult experiences. Hahaha, even church. Yet, each one gave me a piece of the puzzle. Each one set me free a little and tried to keep me bound. I’m glad you know the longing and that it’s in your title. When I looked for your book, I stumbled upon the review in Hippocampus. Well done, you! I’m going to order it. I’ve done some chanting with Siddha people. It was beautiful.
This is so beautiful, Susan. I am still sitting in the longing, meditating my butt off — and now, maybe, I have a map. Some familiar territory there, and lands I have touched the edges of…but I think a long walk into the center of things, living there for a while, really feeling the land and it’s contours…that sounds like the trip I need to take. Thank you for giving me the legend, and a sense of direction.
Yes, yes, yes. You are already there. The longing isn’t a problem. You can welcome it, feel into “its land and contours.” That’s the ticket. A simple opening to what already is. Stop the search. You are already that. Once discomfort is as welcome as joy, you have found it.
This is so so beautiful. 😍 It brings back to life something I’d written last night in the midst of feeling real Love!
I am never without Love!
Expression is different from ground. The expressions: kindness, patience, compassion, can fluctuate depending on mood, stress, habits, or circumstances.
Love isn’t just one more behavior on that list; it’s more like the underlying orientation I return to, even after I fall out of alignment with it.
Saying “I’m never without love” doesn’t have to mean I always feel loving or always act lovingly. It can mean that, when I look honestly, there’s still some thread of care, concern, or willingness to reconnect, even if it’s faint or delayed.
Something in me doesn’t abandon me, even when I’m not at my best.
Oh yes. Never without love because it’s not something you do, it’s what you are. This is such a beautiful realization. Love can welcome everything. Thank you for sharing that.
Susan, this is one of the most achingly beautiful things I’ve read in ages. Thank you. So much of my own work has been around accepting reality as it’s presented to me and not by my preferences. Surrender, right? It seems so counterintuitive, but it’s so central. Anyway, thanks for the great piece.
Thank you so much. Surrender. Seems like it should be so simple, right? I suppose it would be if it didn’t take decades of re-release, and all that constant: are you sure… running through it like electrical current.
Susan, your essay is beauty and truth. If you might recall, my father also died a probable suicide when I was 17. I feel I have been chasing death, or maybe the other way around, my whole life. We joke darkly that any family gathering eventually devolves into a discussion of death.
As a physician I also witness death and dying on a daily basis. I don't fear death, but dying can be a real doozy.
Anyway, thanks for another heart rending essay. You are an amazing human being.
Thanks Me. You know dying isn’t all candle ligth and roses. Of course I recall your story, so similar to mine. Since death is a really fascinating topic which most people fear and actively avoid I wouldn’t call it a devolution to discuss death. For me, enlightenment comes from reality, or it’s a fantasy.
There is a vast ocean of nothing between death and life. It all depends on what direction you want to go, where you end up. At every crossroad choose life. That is the question. Which way is Life? Don’t get caught up like a dog chasing its tail, going in circles. I like the story of a Savior who says, “I Am the Way, the Truth, and the Life (Light).” Don’t proceed through until you get direction. That may take many dark nights. But soon your journey will be with a confident smile. Travel lightly.
Susan, I hope you've realized that you are Love. You are Love itself. Life is just full of surprises, huh? You get born into one family. I get born into another. We grow up in different definitions of dysfunction, yours was more blatant than mine I think. You dealt with the violence, the sexual violations and the parents who you loved, because we do, don't we? I loved mine, too, and boy did their secrets hurt us. Still recovering at 65. That's okay, because recovery is uncovery and leads to discovery. Love is everywhere if we listen for it. I've become a believer. But I have to slow down and get still. Very still. That always helps when I get derailed. And then of course, there's Grace. She's always listening, even when I forget she's there. xo
I love that. Grace, that mystery defying common sense one day at a time. I do know that I am love. Mostly I feel that as a quiet joy. That’s my quality. I experience you as love. There you go. Words. Different words for the same thing. You are that and so am I.
Oh. Susan. That's beautiful. You are quiet joy. And I'm love? Interesting. Have to consider the distinction. xo
Not sure there is one, or if there is... one leads directly into the others. Or perhaps they are flavors of the same thing. Like chocolate and vanilla are both ice cream.
Interesting. I love ice cream metaphors. xo
Me too, almost as much as I love ice cream. Hmmm. It’s been a very long time since I’ve had any, now that I think of it.
I'm in my late 80's, and I feel that I am living with Death beside me, like a nice, quiet presence. I don't think about it much or worry about it much. I do have physical pain, and that bothers me more than anything, but I am glad to be here, nevertheless. Sometimes I think of Death as a door with endless light and joy on the other side. That's enough comfort for me...even though it might be just a belief or maybe there is no such thing. But I am convinced there IS, and I am quietly comforted by the thought.
Beautiful. I also think there is something on the other side. Why not joy? I died and was reborn many times in this life, and it alwasy led to more joy. I think of Death as a friend. I love the image of it as a door. Congrats on making it this far. That’s a lot. I also think about birth in this context, too. It’s not easy being born either. Perhaps both are doorways. I salute your quiet comfort, and I’m pleased to make your aquaintance.
What a beautiful transformation. Thank you, Susan. And thank you for sharing her, Kelly!!
Thank you so much, Holly. I’m so pleased.
Such a gorgeous account of how it really goes on the spiritual path. How well you capture the ferocity of longing and the battle with self-loathing (true ego) and the final break into presence . This was such a compelling read. As for my experience with longing, I wrote about it in my spiritual memoir, This Incredible Longing: Finding My Self in a Near-Cult Experience published by Heliotrope in Feb.
Great! Your memoir sounds really good. Longing can rip you up from the inside. It saved my life and almost killed me. You could make the case that most spiritual communities are near-cult experiences. Hahaha, even church. Yet, each one gave me a piece of the puzzle. Each one set me free a little and tried to keep me bound. I’m glad you know the longing and that it’s in your title. When I looked for your book, I stumbled upon the review in Hippocampus. Well done, you! I’m going to order it. I’ve done some chanting with Siddha people. It was beautiful.
Awww! If you feel compelled, report back! Sounds like we could have many rich conversations.
I’d like that. I ordered an e-book so I could get it today.
💗
This is so beautiful, Susan. I am still sitting in the longing, meditating my butt off — and now, maybe, I have a map. Some familiar territory there, and lands I have touched the edges of…but I think a long walk into the center of things, living there for a while, really feeling the land and it’s contours…that sounds like the trip I need to take. Thank you for giving me the legend, and a sense of direction.
Yes, yes, yes. You are already there. The longing isn’t a problem. You can welcome it, feel into “its land and contours.” That’s the ticket. A simple opening to what already is. Stop the search. You are already that. Once discomfort is as welcome as joy, you have found it.
Wow! No words but thank you. "When you know how to suffer, you don't have to suffer." Says it all.
Thank you Judith.
This is so so beautiful. 😍 It brings back to life something I’d written last night in the midst of feeling real Love!
I am never without Love!
Expression is different from ground. The expressions: kindness, patience, compassion, can fluctuate depending on mood, stress, habits, or circumstances.
Love isn’t just one more behavior on that list; it’s more like the underlying orientation I return to, even after I fall out of alignment with it.
Saying “I’m never without love” doesn’t have to mean I always feel loving or always act lovingly. It can mean that, when I look honestly, there’s still some thread of care, concern, or willingness to reconnect, even if it’s faint or delayed.
Something in me doesn’t abandon me, even when I’m not at my best.
Oh yes. Never without love because it’s not something you do, it’s what you are. This is such a beautiful realization. Love can welcome everything. Thank you for sharing that.
Yes Susan. So beautiful. Thank you also. ❤️
The real question is...when is Susan going to write a book that is big enough to hold all of her wisdom? When she does, I'll be first in line.
Soon come.
Susan, this is one of the most achingly beautiful things I’ve read in ages. Thank you. So much of my own work has been around accepting reality as it’s presented to me and not by my preferences. Surrender, right? It seems so counterintuitive, but it’s so central. Anyway, thanks for the great piece.
Thank you so much. Surrender. Seems like it should be so simple, right? I suppose it would be if it didn’t take decades of re-release, and all that constant: are you sure… running through it like electrical current.
Susan, your essay is beauty and truth. If you might recall, my father also died a probable suicide when I was 17. I feel I have been chasing death, or maybe the other way around, my whole life. We joke darkly that any family gathering eventually devolves into a discussion of death.
As a physician I also witness death and dying on a daily basis. I don't fear death, but dying can be a real doozy.
Anyway, thanks for another heart rending essay. You are an amazing human being.
Thanks Me. You know dying isn’t all candle ligth and roses. Of course I recall your story, so similar to mine. Since death is a really fascinating topic which most people fear and actively avoid I wouldn’t call it a devolution to discuss death. For me, enlightenment comes from reality, or it’s a fantasy.
I love death as a topic. Would love some subs on it!
It's the most fascinating topic, since we are all going to do it.
Agree! Gonna think on a way to put out a call. Maybe a flash series - 500 words on death!!! For The W(hole)’s next quarterly flash
I love that idea. I’d do a flash piece on death.
There is a vast ocean of nothing between death and life. It all depends on what direction you want to go, where you end up. At every crossroad choose life. That is the question. Which way is Life? Don’t get caught up like a dog chasing its tail, going in circles. I like the story of a Savior who says, “I Am the Way, the Truth, and the Life (Light).” Don’t proceed through until you get direction. That may take many dark nights. But soon your journey will be with a confident smile. Travel lightly.